My father rode a camel...

With all this coercion, anonymity and stressful malaise it is perhaps surprising that humans are not slaughtering themselves en-masse from the sheer despair of it all. Suicide barbecues, sponsored hangings and the ropeless bungee should be all the rage. It comes as no surprise to me that those who actually do have the inclination to kill themselves often display an objective view of life and the circumstances in which they live. Feelings of isolation, loneliness and hopelessness about the world and the future are often real and well founded. Drugs are of course available for 'correction' of cognitive anomolies but does this treatment merely amount to enforced anaesthesia for those who have strayed cognitively too close to the hard realities of our era? What does this say for the rest of us. If the suicidal are sane then what illusion of reality do the rest of us subscribe to, and where will it lead us?

People commonly exist in a state of inexplicable restlessness. We bounce from one dose of social anaesthetic to another - the perceived solutions to our apparent aimlessness. The new car, the shiny digital all singing all dancing sound system, the bigger house, the smaller nose, the world odyssey - these irrelevancies fill our heads to the point where there is no room for contemplation of anything beyond. Except maybe Jordan's bizarre tits or where the next bridging loan is coming from. We hover along on little bubbles of stress and nonsense and become so conditioned to the mental static that we are uncomfortable without it. People get home and turn on the TV before they take off their jacket - for a bit of company - and sit mesmerised until bed time. We exist (the normal people) in a waking trance. Stimulated at every turn by marketeers and advertisers offering the next great progression to our miraculous suburban lives. Striving for what we 'need' and 'want' and being constantly disappointed when we get it. What if we didn't have a head full of shite. Would we notice that the way of life we support and the goals we strive for will ultimately ruin not only our own species but more than likely every other species and possibly the planet itself? What will life be like in ten or twenty years time? Well - just like Jordan, life in the future looks set to get very very ugly.

This rant is not general. We are arriving (have arrived?) at a pivotal point in human history. In 1859 a bloke called Drake drilled a hole in Pensylvania and out spewed a lot of black stuff. Soon it became clear that this marvelous black gold could be used for a diversity of purposes, from cheap clean-burning lamps to lubrication for bigger, faster-running industrial machinery. Within a few years Pensylvania and Ohio had been drilled full of holes and emptied of oil. Exploration stepped up and new discoveries kept the momentum of industrialisation rolling, though there were brief periods of panic when supply appeared to be running dry. This anxiety was ended by the discovery of the monster fields of Texas. As the world entered the 20th century industrialisation entered a phase of exponential growth; Ford pioneered the large scale production line and a couple of brothers turned man's dream of flying to reality with the arrival of the internal combustion engine. A mere 66 years later, oil fuelled progress landed a man on the moon despite the fact the world had suffered the two most destructive wars in history and a huge financial depression. In the 50's oil was superabundant and optimism for the future widespread.

There was however a very small but very insistent voice warning against the wholesale embrace of an oil driven economy. It belonged to M. King Hubbert who after years of experience in geology and oil exploration had come up with a mathematical model describing two phenomena. Oil discovery rates and oil production rates. Hubbert proposed that the rate of oil discovery would begin slowly, increase rapidly and reach a plateau (or peak) from where it would follow a similar descent to zero discovery. A parabolic 'bell curve'. He also concluded (logically) that oil production would follow an identical curve offset by a number of years from the discovery data. Using his model Hubbert predicted (in 1956) that US oil production would peak between 1966 and 1972. Those in power and in the industry were dismissive to say the least. In 1970 the US reached an output of 11.3 million barrels per day (mbd), a figure which has never again been reached and never will be. Soon afterwards the US became a net importer of oil - they were no longer self-sufficient. This meant they had to court the Arabians who now held the majority of proven oil reserves. When the Arabians enforced an oil embargo against the US in 1973-4 (for US support of Israel in the Yom Kippur conflict wih Egypt and Syria) the results were instantaneous and severe. The price of oil shot up, panic buying ensued at the pumps and the US and world economy went into a lengthy recession. The Saudis eventually brought supply back on line and maintained the price around $20 per barrel for the next 20 years by carefully regulating the amount of oil on the market. They concluded that a faltering world economy was not in their best interests - an expanding world economy meant steady business and a steady flow of dollars to the pockets of the 30,000 al-Saud sheiks who recieved between $19,000 and $275,000 per month as an allowance.

Subscribers to Hubbert's peak oil principle point out that the problems will not begin when the last drop of oil is sucked from the ground - rather they will begin to manifest themselves almost immediately after the high point of world oil production is reached. Current estimates place peak production between 2005 and 2008. It is possible we have already passed the peak or are currently experiencing it. Discovery rates have been declining since their peak in the 60's and 2003 marked the first year since 1859 that no major (over 500mb) oil discoveries were made. By Hubbert's model it is only a question of time before peak oil becomes reality. The recent inability of OPEC (Oil producing exporting countries) to turn up the rate of production to steady world oil prices suggests that Arabian supplies have been overstated - a practice not uncommon in the industry as was seen with the Shell fiasco in late 2004. The Saudi's, through their state oil company Aramco, have claimed proven reserves of 260 billion barrels, largely contained in the monster Ghawar field. American geologists who were present when the field was discovered estimated it to contain 130 billion barrels. The Saudis are currently pumping sea water into the well at a massive 7 mbd to maintain pressure. The oil which is coming out is mixed with up to 55% sea water. This does not sound like a resource capable of satisfying and regulating world oil consumption far into the future.

We had 2 trillion (2,000 billion) barrels of oil reserves to begin with. We have used around 900 billion barrels. These were the easiest to extract and of the highest quality. At current consumption levels this means there is enough oil left for 37 years. However, the remaining billion barrels is tied up in shale or inhospitable areas which are not economically viable. If the energy expended to extract a barrel of oil is more than the cost of a barrel the exercise is obviously futile. It is therefore unlikely that man will ever extract all the oil the earth contains and far more likely that economic meltdown and global resource wars will be the order of the day for the current and following generations. Indeed, the unlawful and desperate invasion of Iraq may be seen in hindsight as the opening encounter of the Last World War. The behaviour of the Arab nations is critical in the coming years - an Arab nation run by an anti-western Islamic autocracy is not beyond the bounds of reason. The US is expending vast resources in maintaining a presence in the region - an expense the American electorate and treasury cannot tolerate indefinitely. If the Arabian peninsual and its natural resources do indeed fall into 'unfriendly' hands another piece of Arab wisdom may prove to be true. The proverb says:

"My father rode a camel, I drive a Rolls Royce and my son flies a jet plane. His son will ride a camel."

And this only in the best of all possible scenarios.

Obrigado Jose para o inspiracao!

Chewin' the gristle....

Perhaps, as you read, you are chewing on the ankle of the man from no. 23. If so, you're maybe wondering if marinating in soy sauce would soften up that tough old achilles. Probably you're just wondering why you are eating the neighbour. Don't panic - its not your fault.


Its merely the logical consequence of existing in an environment sustained and controlled by fear - put down the ankle (its only good for stock) - and pay attention.

Once upon a time the government had to send men in red jackets to set fire to thatched rooves and shoot a couple of kids to get the people's co-operation. Then, as now, they wanted a docile and maleable population who could be easily coerced. The suitably frightened population were then used to fight (the French or Spanish normally) or provide cheap manual labour for the economic benefit of the state. Today, economic gain is still the aim and fear is still the means for achieving it.

However, the contemporary economic organism (of which we are all living, working parts) is a far more efficient and sophisticated beast. No more men in odd clothes coming round to shoot dad and burn grandma - there is a swifter more effective means of pushing our psychological buttons. Media. If you have any doubt one of the main functions of media is social control then consider the following.... -

"There was a major shift in the fall of 1989. Before that time, the media did not make excessive use of terms such as crisis, catastrophe, cataclysm, plague, or disaster. For example, during the 1980s, the word crisis appeared in news reports about as often as the word budget. In addition, prior to 1989, adjectives such as dire, unprecedented, dreaded were not common in television reports or newspaper headlines. But then it all changed."

Why did it change? No more Commie murdering scum bags threatening world domination and the rape of the democratic way of life. The Berlin wall came down and the USSR split into its constituent parts. By having a credible threat to our peace and security removed we were left with the possibility of becoming a happy, forward looking, non-coercable populace. Not on. Not at all. In response to this disaster all forms of media cranked up the fear and spewed it into our collective conciousness at every available opportunity.

Not only does the fear keep us tidily stored in our own personal compartments (locked in our houses) it creates an atmosphere of mistrust and paranoia which results in bad feeling, negativity, depression, suicide, violent crime - and having to lock yourself up in your house. A self-fulfilling prophecy which leaves us locked up with no one to reassure us but the TV. Which is showing you all the bad, depressed suicidal people doing terrible things to each other and re-inforcing the mentality of insecurity and low self worth - which makes a gloriously maleable society.

But where are all the cunningly crafted automatons being coerced towards? Why would the media mindlessly fill the roll of monkey to the governments organ grinder? Happily enough for both parties fear doesn't only produce docility and compliance, it also produces vast profits for endless multi-nationals who are only too happy to pedal their solutions to modern misery and pay the media handsome sums to advertise for them. Too fat, too slow , too sad, too dangerous - there are myriad products designed to alleviate these problems. Anti-depressants, life assurance, gyms, home security systems, plastic surgery - the more worried, shallow and introverted we become the more the economy booms. So - personal security, fulfillment, success, happiness and love - all are commodities available for purchase to counter the fear and ultimately fulfill our true raison d'etre - to spend..... so you see its really not your fault - Jamie Oliver has some great ideas for leftovers - scrape together those carcasses and make a nice stew.

Scrot bags and that...

I've a comment!! Cici Sun! Did Ralfie send you?!? Wha planet you on? You have jet pack? Good that someone got a laugh out of something though innit. Not much funny going on when you stop spitting at cyclists and sniffing your own shoes. There's plenty problems to be had - whether its your ma trying to top you with poison stir fry or your weird neighbour being a wanker. Nowadays, instead of living next door to Jimmy who's married to your friend's neighbour who's dad used to work in some sort of mine with your dad, you know feck all about them except what kind of car they drive (because the bastard sometimes parks in your space) and that they look kind of shifty and sinister. Maybe he's into child porn, maybe she sells drugs, maybe he dresses his pets up in wee booties and tartan hats. This kind of thing can get out of hand quite easily - soon the neighbours are cannabalistic serial killers communicating with the dead and making handbags from scrotums. No wonder you bolt for your car or drop to one knee to inspect a worrying weed whenever you bump into each other in the street. Perfectly normal behaviour - for a serial killer. Lock the doors, bolt the hatch, arm the gunners! But its not just the neighbours - there's the real strangers and the bombers and the rapists and the drunk drivers and child molesters and STDs and its a wonder any of us are alive. The thing is I've never met anyone that's been bombed or murdered - and neither have most the people I know. Maybe I'm just really really lucky to have such really lucky friends or the whole fear and lock up yer kids routine has gone completely mental. People in 4x4s taking their kids to school - the only people I am tempted to kill and eat then make classy coutoure out of - make the little bastards walk! Look how fat and smug they are. Look at their piggy little eyes staring at some shiny box full of crazy frogs and farting dinosaurs, holding up all the other cars with an average 1.2 people in them. 1.2 people per car moving small pedals up and down and spinning a wheel in between bouts of screaming abuse at all the other cars full of 1.2 equally angry people. Remember - the next time you roll down the window and shout something about anal sex with somebody's mother - at that precise moment - you have taken your first step to having no neighbours and a collection of oddly shaped handbags made of man-scrot. Use strong thread and seal with hot tar. Good luck.

Bleedin bloggin deadly...!

Still proud to wear the mantle of techno-retard.... this blog site took me more than two hours to get working properly. I've no doubt a blind six month old Orangutang is laughing at me in a brail blog as I type. Ooo ooo ahh aahh to you too you wee ginger twat, hope someone hides your bananas. I actually have a great rapport with animals... more or less a modern day doctor doo-little, minus the annoying brats he dragged about with him. I taught my cat (Spacker) to read at age 4 months. He has chat for Europe and a handy sideline in slaughtering small birds and woodland animals. Our back garden is rapidly becoming a cemetry. I'm pretty sure this will be great for the grass in a fertilising fashion next year but at the moment it just makes flies and stink. Ah well. So apart from Spacker I can speak to cows and some kinds of dog. I found out the cows could hear me when I was hitch-hiking near Crianlarich in Scotland. I'd had no lift for hours despite my fantastic hat and pleasant demeanour so I spoke to a field of cows on my left. The young ones were the most open minded and took quite easily to the human moo. They quickly congregated round my corner of the field to say their piece. Soon the adults (as usual reluctantly following the youth) traipsed down to see what was going on, stopping here and there for a dump or massive piss. Eventually they couldn't help themselves and they were mooing themselves silly along with me and all their kids. I think there were about forty of them all told. We really got on quite well. I still eat burgers.

Apologies for what may follow....

So, working on the assumption that this will descend into the bottomless pit of internet waffle I am forced to find some sort of justification for sitting bashing these tiny buttons.. The best I can come up with, on the spot, is that one day, once humanity transcends its current pitiful state, a more intelligent race/entity may be bored on some inter dimensional bus trip or equivalent and flick through the entire history of man in a nano-second and stumble across my blog.... I'll call you Ralf - mind the wormhole Ralf. I've had a completely average day. My trainers have some kind of odour problem (possibly related to my feet) and my bicycle refuses to find top gear which means the twats in cycling shorts and t-shirts with stickers are overtaking me. Very dis-heartening. I spit on them at traffic lights. Sorry Ralf - we have a tendency to resent being second best - you know - all that stuff about Darwin and the big fish eats the small fish then grows legs and starts hassling the birds. You should be grateful - in fact you owe us big time - I demand instant resurrection on a planet of my own, nay, my personal solar system, filled with fantastic s**t (look under hedonism, ferrari, tele-porter, jet-pack and anything else James Bond had - especially that submissive Oriental lass out of You Only Live Twice - you could have a whole planet of her and her pals). Anyway - just pimp up the system Ralfie, you know what I'm saying - as soon as you get to alpha-beta quadrant six, or wherever the future version of Skegness is, you need to fire me back up (before you check in)... and make me look really really great Ralfie...